The Nature of Happiness II

The catalyst that changed the bliss I had been experiencing despite my situation, was the meeting up with an old lover; he the inconstant constant in my life for almost thirty years.

I am no longer in love with him, but I thought why not? I hadn't seen him for five years when I had fled his town in a state of shock. However we had been in touch sporadically by text and email, beginning not entirely by chance some months ago. I told myself that I would be open, not to presume or leap onto my perch overlooking the moral high ground as I had done in the past. After all, I knew what he is like.

One outcome of our meeting was certain; the historic dynamic between us would restored, albeit temporarily and as a consequence of our enjoyment of each others' company, we would sleep together. This was not an issue with me. I was certain of this because being the age when women are invisible I was consciously seeking affirmation of my femininity and sexuality with someone whose body was as familiar to me as my own.

Over three days we enjoyed companionable days and nights together. We both complimented each other on how well we looked considering our ages - he 65, me just a few years younger. I recall him laughing spontaneously, over a drink at something I said. He held my hand as we tore from bar to bar in downtown finding the right crafted beer on tap to meet his exacting tastes.

Then there was the day he had to go home.  With hindsight I think there was a subtle switch in mood for us both. He was in having to catch a flight home mode which always underpins the hours prior to leaving no matter how much time you have. I was tired because I'd lain awake in that wide bed unsettled by the fact that there was no doubt someone else in his life eating away at me. I knew he lived alone so relax, I told myself. I acknowledged he lacked emotional depth and I have known that for a long time. Yet I have always loved his company over and above that of anyone else. My expectations of him all those years ago were projections I imposed on him born out of loneliness and need. He hadn't changed, but feeling this kind of weary bleakness, had I? Did I still unconsciously expect something more from him?

Warily, I'd put my hand up when he first proposed meeting. Eyes wide open yet meeting with him again I realised with an uncanny sense of deja vu that in some ways my situation was not dissimilar from the one I was in when I knew him all those years ago. It was the difference in our material situations that unsettled me the most, now as it did then. A sense of being powerless accompanied the feeling, now as it did then. I was no longer the sole parent of young children, but here I was unemployed with nothing set by but still presenting the same confident, well dressed face to the world.

So this is what has brought me to my present state where worry and reality have set in for the winter. A familiar gnawing has settled uncomfortably in my belly as I wonder how I am going to survive financially, going forward and alone.

Isabel